Shit My Players Say

Our rogue: I don’t what you have against me!

The goddess of fate: You stole my artificial sweetener, you bastard!

“We saved their milk, stole their bread, and left them jars full of mead. I’d say that’s fae behavior”

Cleric: We’re trying to just knock this guy out, right?

Monk: Yes, preferably. 

Cleric: Okay, so do I have to do an unarmed strike, or can I use my mace?

DM: Just declare it’s non-lethal and it’s fine. You can do anything, and just declare it non-lethal.

Cleric: Alright. I attack him with my mace, non-lethally.

Bard: I cut off his arm, non-lethally.

Paladin (lying): “Uh, well actually the treasurer sent us to collect the key to the vault for them.”

Mayor: “Well, I’ll need to see your identification.”

Paladin: “Sure–”

The paladin proceeded to pull out an ASSASSINS’ GUILD badge they found earlier and present it to the MAYOR. They did not get the key to the vault.

Context: Our party is helping a a goat, who turned out to be a cursed wizard with True Polymorph Staff to turn him back. After defeating the BBEG (Who is my character’s Ex) and get the staff back, the Cleric and the Fighter tries to turn him back.

They roll low.

The goat exploded.

Anyway… after shenanigans, the party decided to take the Wizard’s home as their own.

Me, the Monk: I want to keep my Ex alive, but he’s an eyewitness to our crime. We can’t leave him as is.

Cleric: Oooh, just turn him into a goat.

Me: That might explode him though?

Cleric, shrug: …eh, then that’s fate.

Me: …alright, but I’m not letting you use the staff after that disaster.

Proceed to roll a 20 Arcana check plus a 4 from a 1D4 Guidance

Fighter 1: Damn… an ex’s scorn is real.

Me: Okay, so we lost a goat to get another goat, now what?

Cleric: Oh! Why don’t we keep him and a female goat as well, so you can have a small group of goats to farm and profit?!

Fighter 2: I have an idea! Why don’t we ge a male goat and Transform your ex goat into the female goat so it’s likelier to get pregnant.

Cleric: That’s a good idea! Monk, I hope you’ll let me have a share of the profit for giving you the idea.

Barbarian, ooc: What the fuck are we doing?

“I don’t think that the eugenicists are going to like me very much!”

- the artificer, who was born with a bilateral upper limb deficiency, taking her arm off and waving it in the air.

-Our Sorcerer, trying to comfort a little girl whose evil teddy bear we had burned minutes earlier

Player: I go over and give him a high five.

Me: I forget, is this like a brain melting high five, or a genuine act of friendship?

GM: No, this is a new move.

Player: It causes seizures.

The NPC was successfully inflicted with several status effects.

Sorcerer: You can tell me, I won’t say anything!

NPC: I dunno, you talk A LOT.

Fighter: Yeah but when is anything she says of use?

Sorcerer: See? You can trust me!

“survivors are people we sent down there?! You’re not supposed to find extra people!” — NPC

“do you want us to put her back?” — fighter