Shit My Players Say

“I can do all the lore building I want, and our goblin will still make cocaine gorillas.”

-DM

Upon seeing a basket and cat toys in a treasure vault :

Ranger (me) : “Oh, there was a mention of a cat in the prophecies the goats gave us months ago”

DM : “that’s true but how in hell do you remember that”

Sorcerer: Don’t tell me that the Paladin is a flat earther! 

Rogue: I mean, we don’t know that this world is flat or not. Hey, DM? Is this world flat? 

DM, sick of our shit:…Is this world flat?

Rogue: Yea, like, is the planet flat? 

DM:…no.

Rogue: Cube-shaped it is! Got it!

Druid: It’s obviously a donut.

Wizard: I think it’s a pyramid! 

Player1 (reading item description): “double damage to crystal and glass- hey!”

Player2 (to the DM): “Didn’t you say the walls were obsidian? ‘Cause ob-”

DM: “No!”

Player2 (laughing): “ 'Cause I was going to say, Obsidian is a kind of glass-”

DM: “No! No, it’s not obsidian, it’s obsidian colored… marble! It’s marble! The gods are definitely capable of changing the color of a material when making a lair for their- it’s not obsidian!”

Me, to our DM: “About my second character…”

Our DM, warily: “Yes?”

Me: “I accidentally created Furry Sherlock Holmes”

DM: “Oh no…”

-

Me, later talking to the other players: “So, completely unrelated, random question, but, what if you’d recreate John Watson in Dn-”

One of the others: “Halfling, next question.”

The same player was also the only one who debated my Tabaxi Inquisitive Rogue choice for Holmes, arguing his first thought would have been Kenku. He definitely thought about it before too.

Evil Wizard we just defeated: No! With this ring of three wishes, I won’t lose! I wish to summon [BBEG]-

Tullamund: Counterspell.

The entire party could feel the light fading from our DM’s eyes as the party’s spellcaster used a homebrew upcasting scroll to COUNTER A WISH SPELL THAT WOULD SUMMON THE BBEG

- our long-suffering Dungeon Master, before we’ve even started a session

DM: “I’m always on the spot, I live on the spot”

Player: “You’ve been on the spot since we skipped over the starting town”

[Stealing a magic item we don’t have a description of from a museum’s storage room]

DM: “there’s about ten boxes of the correct size from the right time era. Waving your wand of detect magic, you can tell seven of the ten boxes hold magical items. You have the ledger so from there’s its pretty easy to figure out which box it is and take it.”

Player: “let’s backtrack a minute. Seven out of ten boxes are magical, I’m taking all seven and putting them in the bag of holding. We’ll figure out what they do later. Good luck figuring out what we were stealing them for, if we don’t even know what we’re stealing!”

[DM groans at the self inflicted magic item density in the setting]

“Is the painting’s frame gilded” and “do fairies poop” are two things I was really not expecting to have to answer tonight.

DM