Shit My Players Say

‘Didn’t you just make an improvised attack with a ranged goblin weapon’

The bard, after our barbarian punted an NPC at mach speeds after losing his sword

(Harpy Rogue and Elf Bard are engaged in a fierce battle with an enemy of the harpy)

Air Ginasi Echo Fighter: How are we going to get the baby? ( a purple gem dragon wormling we were to bring somewhere)

Kobold Artificer, who has eyed a two-story window: Throw me.

“I throw the noble at the orc.”

“You what?”

“I throw the noble.”

Our barbarian proceeded to roll a 2, throw the unsuspecting noble headfirst into a wall, and render him unconscious for the rest of the battle. (Despite the obvious fact that it was more of a disadvantage than a strategy, the party decided to do the same thing repeatedly throughout one whole leg of the mission. Now it’s an ongoing joke to reply to everything with ‘throw the noble’)

Context: This happened in a campaign I play in.  There were a group of creatures we had encountered and weren’t sure of what they were yet.

War forged, out of character: who here has the lowest hit points?

Everyone: {me}. He has 28.

War forged, still out of character: okay. I’m going to pick him up. and THROW him. 

Dm: {me} are you going to be willingly thrown towards the movement?

Me, playing a Tiefling Warlock Bard, worried that if he gets thrown, he’ll die because his health is so low: c..can I just walk?

Everyone: no.

Me with a resigned sigh: … Fuck it. Throw me.

War forged, out of character, trying not to laugh his ass off: …that’s a Nat one.

Dm: you go to throw him, but you get one of those old man spasms and you drop him to the ground. You’re now Prone.

Everyone, instantly wanting to throw my character: can I try to throw him?

Me: …. can I throw myself?

War forged, whose idea this was, sounding extremely proud of himself: I love that we’re throwing our lowest hp player at the danger.

Me, the Rouge: You want to WHAT!?!??!

The Wanderer, class unknown: I’ll levitate you over the wall and into the stable-

Rouge: You want to THROW ME INTO A STABLE!??!!?!

Cleric: Well he has a point…

Rouge: Aren’t you supposed to be the moral compass of the group?

Cleric: Those go away the second winged horses become involved.

Wanderer: Enough chatter *proceeds to fling Rouge over a 20 ft wall and into a stable*

“Can I throw the child as a free action?”

Then, later that same fight

“If I do no damage can I bite the child as a free action?”

The answer was no :(

So a small group of our players got together to follow a quest to save a supplies boy that the barkeep was concerned about. we have a bard Bill, drunkard Geoff (fighter that does better when drunk), and a very tall human fighter Jack (his brother is a hill giant hence why he is tall and very strong)

They came across a camp that had a fire but no other signs of life that they could see

Bill: “Throw me”
Jack: “…Come again?”
Bill: “You heard me, throw me into the camp”

So they both failed their rolls but got enough to survive so Jack took bill, swung him around his head and then whipped Bill through one of the tents, through the fire, and right onto a goblin (not hurting him or the goblin)

Bill got up and tried to be peaceful to the goblin, the goblin however not happy with the fact he was just landed on nearly took off bill’s left foot. Bill has a magic kazzo that bends the fabric of reality though he doesn’t quite know how  to work it so because he was close to death he played it and a pumpkin appeared in between him and the goblin. The pumpkin then shot straight up into the air 300 feet and just stayed there, from that Bill was able to convince the whole goblin camp that he was a deity who flew in and got the goblins to worship him as well as heal him. The party also managed to get the supplies boy from the goblins be calling him Bill’s prophet. 

“Roll gnome attack with advantage?”

The dm because the warforged decided to yeet a gnome at the one character who literally can’t see shit

In this dnd i play, we were being attacked by a practically immortal being, and we had a character who had “kinetic magic” which basically lets her control the speed of anything moving, and we also had a cement garden gnome, who was a player character, who’s sole purpose was to be thrown at shit. He was also basically a solidified solar flare.

Me: Ok, I’ll throw the gnome, and [kinetic magic person] you speed him up.

[kinetic magic person]: ok.

Gnome: I have never heard more joyous words in my life.

We then proceeded to throw the garden gnome and i rolled, kinetic person rolled, and the gnome rolled, all high rolls. We launched that garden gnome at approx. 55 million kilometers per minute, destroying the entire island we were standing upon and turning that gnome into a third sun.