Shit My Players Say

Rogue: “I’m hiding!”

Barbarian: “You’re a 6'4 man crouching in the middle of an empty hallway.”

Rogue: So, what really is the difference between investigation and perception?

DM: Well, um… here we go, investigation is touching things with your hands and perception is touching things with your eyes 

Party: … 

DM: … you know what I mean

It’s been 3 years, we still bring it up

Bard 1 (ooc): “I don’t know if my character would attack. She believes that each object has a soul, so I don’t know if she’d feel comfortable…” 

Bard 2, being held hostage by sentient bookcase (ooc): “You know who else has a soul?”

Our Monk, looking at his inventory: Why is a torch ten pounds?!

Our hobgoblin fighter: You… you’re holding 10 of them.

Our Monk, looking down: OH! Yeah that makes sense.

DM: You can move 10 meters

Wizard: how much Is that?

DM: …. 10 meters

We were visiting the barbarian’s family and we walked into a conference room to discuss our next move.

Monk: Why does your dad have a war room?

Barbarian: He do war.

Our very experienced Fighter/Blood Hunter, attacking a normal druid with an AC of eleven:  “Does a… a nat 20 hits, right?”

Druid PC: Is there anything we should know about the fey portal in the center of the island?

Treant: It’s in the center of the island.

“Why do I have disadvantage?”

“Because you’re trying to run vertically up a wall”

*The players are talking to a ghost*

Player 1: Good sir, how did you turn into a ghost?

Ghost: Well I probably died

*cue everybody laughing*