Shit My Players Say

Player 1: “[deadname] slides off you like water off a duck’s back. It doesn’t fit you at all.”

DM: “[truename] is just so warm and comforting, like a soft peice of down.”

Player 2 (PC is still turned into 16 ducklings): “Thanks guys, for the… fowl language”

“I grow really big and sit on the beholder. He’s now a butt-holder.”

Fighter: look, I’m a slut

Barbarian: he’s a non profit whore-ganization

Druid: an NG-ho

*fighting owlbears*

Cleric: I pull out my mace.

Bard: Is it bear mace?

*in the same fight*

Bard: *uses dissonant whispers, does enough damage to kill one*

Me: Yeah, the Owlbear isn’t a fan of opera, so its eardrums rupture and it dies.

Swashbuckler, OOC: Okay, okay, pirates! No more Pong!

Vigilante, OOC: Pong-rates.

DM: “You loot the salsa-birde?” (Salsa verde)

DM: “Spider, yes. Gecko, no.”

Player (sadly): “more like geckno”

The ranger has just had his arm cut off

Monk “how are you doing without your arm?”

Ranger “I mean, I was kind of attached to it, but I’m all right.”

Bard, OOC: No homo- I mean no hobo!

Party: *wheezing*

Bard: Well, I mean I’m not wrong, right?

(Our party has at least 3 bisexuals and one acearo, and two of them has a gf)

Barbarian (trying to trick guards): My name is Elk Trader Guy, would you like to purchase a magical talking elk?

Elk (druid): Howdy there my deers