Shit My Players Say
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Our party discussing what type of weather our characters prefer
My aasimar shadow sorc with raven wings: “I prefer the cold… it matches my soul…”
Artificer: “Just drink your hot chocolate, ye emo bird”
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Update on Raven Familiar with Potion of Hill Giant Strength:
Echo Knight: (Blind and deaf while his consciousness is in his echo) wait! Did you guys leave me behind?!
Wizard ooc: Birtrum still has a potion of hill giant strength…
*Birtrum grabs the front of Echo Knight’s clothes and tugs him after the party*
Druid: (laughing hysterically) OH MY GODS! Birtrum should baby sit from now on!
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My character, Zephyr, isn’t actually the human they appear to be, and they hadn’t told their friends yet. (They got trapped in human form & can’t go back on their own.) When Zeph followed their friends into a bad guy’s lair, the effects of the lair returned them to their proper form (temporarily).
Zephyr: *turns into an adult copper dragon and pins the bad guy*
Huif, the high elf bard: and you took the SMALLEST ROOM??
After the bad guy was properly detained, Zephyr finally responded with, “That’s just where I sleep. As far as I’m concerned, the whole house is my lair.”
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At the very end of a drama filled session:
Ranger (dramatically): [Warlock], when you return to you cabin on the ship, you find your hammock filled… with bat guano.
Warlock: Oh, is this about the pillar thing? Yeah, ok, I deserve that
Earlier in the same session:
DM: You enter a small room, with walls of dark green tiles.
Barbarian: Whoa, pretty!!
Ranger (at the same time): What is this, a bathroom?!
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Druid: *grabs Warlock by the front of his shirt to pull him down to her height* “If Fighter (her wife) is dead, I kill you.”
Warlock: “Reasonable… I think?”
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“Everyone on this ship has a bubble butt, except for you. It’s canon now.”
“Happiness is stored in the ass, and that’s why [wizard] so angry all of the time.”
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DM: does a 21 hit?
Fighter: yeah
Ranger: why? Get good scrub.
Fighter, aghast: i hate you so much
Ranger: it would hit me too
Fighter: YOU MOTHERFUCKER
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“Would you like a Succulent in this trying time?” — Barbarian to the Druid -
Bard:I seduced the dragon, right?
Dragonborn paladin: Right…
Bard: And you killed it after that, right?
Dragonborn paladin: Right?
Bard: And in doing that, you absorbed it’s soul, yes.
Dragonborn paladin: Uh…
Bard: So that means you’re technically the dragon I seduced
Dragonborn paladin:
Dragonborn paladin: wait no-
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“You gotta come back- I need to touch you. I need to touch you, man. Just come- come back! I need to touch you!”
- Bard over message trying to use one of his abilities on our rogue and not giving ANY necessary details