Shit My Players Say
-
Our rogue: I don’t what you have against me!
The goddess of fate: You stole my artificial sweetener, you bastard!
-
Player1: “We can stop at a food stall on the way back and get pancakes!”
Player2: “We can’t let them know we’re here though. Do you feel up to stealing them from a food cart and leaving money on the desk?”
Player1: “No, you’re right. And I don’t feel up for that.”
Player2: “Wait. It’s early morning right? And this is a farm community area?”
DM: “Yeah, they’d be pretty early risers so.”
Player2: “I mean. We could find an empty farmhouse and. Break in and make pancakes.”
Player1: “Yes!”
-
Context: we were playing through free days, Rogue decided to get a tour of Baldur’s Gate’s evidence room for side quest purposes.
DM: *describing a big room filled with mundane items the guards have confiscated over the years *
Druid player: The British Museum of Baldur’s Gate.
-
“Oh I’ll steal his diary too! At this stage I don’t have scruples.”
-
(After our paladin knocked down a 250 lb statue to rescue half the party from the spell on the statue’s face that would have had us staring at it until we died of starvation.)
Gnome artificer, to the DM: …how much does the statue’s head weigh?
DM: Uhhhhhh about 25 pounds?
Gnome artificer, to our Goliath barbarian: Hey, uh, you still have that bag of holding?
Goliath barbarian: Uhhhhh, yeah?
Gnome artificer: I’m gonna make stonecutter’s tools.
DM: You’re… taking the 25 pound obsidian statue head with you?
Gnome artificer: Yup.
Ranger, catching on and laughing: We can leave it in a doorway while we make our escape. Like Medusa’s head!
-
[Stealing a magic item we don’t have a description of from a museum’s storage room]
DM: “there’s about ten boxes of the correct size from the right time era. Waving your wand of detect magic, you can tell seven of the ten boxes hold magical items. You have the ledger so from there’s its pretty easy to figure out which box it is and take it.”
Player: “let’s backtrack a minute. Seven out of ten boxes are magical, I’m taking all seven and putting them in the bag of holding. We’ll figure out what they do later. Good luck figuring out what we were stealing them for, if we don’t even know what we’re stealing!”
[DM groans at the self inflicted magic item density in the setting]
-
[Shoving books into a bag]
“Quick, we’re pretending we didn’t loot as much as we did”
-
“If someone tries to sacrifice you in their house and you kill them in self defense, you legally own the house now” — The law my players made up to justify squatting in a manor (yes, they were meant to be sacrificed in it) -
“Quick! Before [the DM] changes the setting! Is there anything else we need to swipe from the library?”
-
DM: now that you’ve broken into the priests room what do you want to do
Warlock: I’m going to look for incriminating documents or like embezzlement or shit (rolls a 1)
DM: you find nothing please roll wildmagic
(priest sleeping in bed turns invisible)
Warlock: well then I’m taking the potted plant