Shit My Players Say

Player 1: How are you going to open this door?

Player 2: Religion.

“How many hit points does the door have?”

- My party’s Goliath who surprisingly isn’t actually that strong

Ranger: *opens a secret door hidden in a forgotten citadel to find three long-dead bodies*

Barbarian #1, innocently cheerful: Do you think they were allergic to secret doors?“

Ranger: …

Ranger: …no.

Barbarian #2: *wheeze*

DM: You encounter a locked door with a keyhole shaped like a crown

Player: Maybe a boot would unlock this door!

Warlock (after failing 3 times to pick a door lock, even with buffs and inspiration, and declining help from the rogue): well lads, I guess that’s it. We’ll have to take another way around. 

Bard/sorcerer: I have knock?

Warlock: why didn’t you say so??

Bard/sorcerer: it just seemed really important to you??

[Context - we spent half an hour in real time trying to open a heavy stone door]

Me: Okay, this went horribly wrong last time but I’m going to try melting the door with acid

DM, who had put a lot of work into making some fun puzzles for us, none of which involved this door: You guys do know teamwork is a thing, right? Like, more than one person can push on a door at the same time

[Turns out, having more than one person push the door open at the same time worked.]

DM: You see a huge room, full of levers, buttons, pressure plates, and other obvious traps. Across the room is a door with a huge elaborate keyhole in the center. In the far corner is a glittery key suspended in a floating cage.

Wizard: Can my Mage Hand grab the key?

DM: It’s surrounded by some kind of force field.

*Cue the party using Mage Hand and various objects to set off all the traps, over and over, for 15 straight minutes, with nothing changing*

Rogue: Is it possible to cross the room without touching any traps?

DM: Yes, easily. Also as you approach the door you notice that the shape of the keyhole doesn’t really look like the key.

Bard: … uhh. Is… is the door even locked?

Wizard: Of course it’s locked, there’s a key!

Rogue: I try to open the door?

DM: It creaks open.

Party: … oh.

Bard: Well MY intelligence is 7, what’s the rest of yalls excuse?

DM: With that check you know there’s no way you’re getting through this door without [NPC’s] handprint

Wizard: I cast reduce on the door and move it out of the way

DM:…

…

Goddammit

Rogue (Rolled low on lockpicking): What’s the point of locked doors if they can’t be picked open?!

Fighter: All it needs is a bit of Finesse (Proceeds to take out a warhammer with “Finesse” engraved on its side).

DM: As the water weird finally collapses into a puddle you look behind where it stood to see a short staircase leading to another door. What do you do?

Himbo Paladin: I have a lot of experience with doors!