Shit My Players Say
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“I went to the loot thread and the first thing I saw was ‘pregaming for tiger surgery’.”
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All of these were said in today’s pathfinder session.
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Kineticist (OOC): “To be fair, I don’t think she cares about innocence.”
Barbarian (OOC): “Wow, thanks for the brilliant insight into the mind of our token evil teammate.”
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DM: “What are we doing?”
Barbarian (OOC): “Arguing over the probability that you can fuck the other horny people in horny jail, keep up.”
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Gnome Bard, to Summoner (OOC): “I like that your dice are either really big or really small.”
Barbarian (OOC): “Oh, so you’re into size difference, eh?”
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Barbarian (OOC): “Welp, I physically can’t damage this guy. Anyone up for a game of War?”
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Vishkanya Bard: “We’re going into the closet.”
Gnome Bard (OOC): “Yay, we’re gay!”
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Vishkanya Bard (OOC): “It’s the rage song!”
*Rainbow Connection starts playing*
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Gnome Bard: “Food?”
DM: “It’s decayed.”
Gnome Bard: “How decayed?”
DM: “It’s decayed.”
Gnome Bard: “But, like, a little bit, or?”
DM: “De. Cayed.”
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Vishkanya Bard: “PERCEIVE.”
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Barbarian: “Listen, if you want to get your token evil teammate to do something even mildly morally neutral, you’ve gotta make it selfish.”
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DM: “He’s a demon of sadistic torture, cruelty, and bloody murder.”
Barbarian, to Summoner (OOC): “Sounds like your kinda guy.”
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Gnome Bard: “I pee off the ledge.”
The entire rest of the party + DM: “WHY????”
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Vishkanya Bard: “PERCEIVE! 9!”
DM: “COTS!”
Vishkanya Bard: “FUCK!”
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DM, to Summoner: “She worships him, right?”
Summoner: “No, he worships her.”
Barbarian: “Simp.”
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Barbarian: “Ropes or… ropes.”
DM: “They’re ROBES.”
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*book gives V-Bard damage and forces her to drop it*
V-Bard: “Hey Summoner, come look at this book!”
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DM: “That’s human blood.”
Kineticist: “Oh. Lovely.”
G-Bard: “Can I lick it?”
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Barbarian, sarcastic: “Well this guy seems… mentally healthy.”
DM, sarcastic: “He seems totally over the death of his brother.”
Summoner, chaotic evil and entirely sincere: “I like him. We could be friends.”
Barbarian: “We know.”
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G-Bard, in a voice: “The pit of despair!”
Barbarian (OOC): “… Was that Elmo?”
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Barbarian, panicked: “MMM. This is so normal I like this so much.”
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DM: “The child’s dead.”
The entire party: “WHOOOOO!”
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Kineticist, to DM (OOC): “What does it do?”
Barbarian (OOC): “It sits there and bes* full of eyeballs.”
*pronounced beez, as in the word be in the same tense as sits
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Literally any time anyone made a sex joke:
“Roll for horny jail.”
This does nothing mechanically except make us laugh.
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Ranger: I was going to ask [Druid] if we negotiate with terrorists, but in this case I think we’re the terrorists.
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DM: does a 21 hit?
Fighter: yeah
Ranger: why? Get good scrub.
Fighter, aghast: i hate you so much
Ranger: it would hit me too
Fighter: YOU MOTHERFUCKER
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DM: Okay, [fighter], something grapples you.
Sorcerer: Free hugs!
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Cleric: [Druid] is my best friend.
Druid: What? When did that happen?
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“Oh my god, this ghost wants us to pay our taxes!!!”
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no you don’t get context
Gnome Bard (OOC): “What is cannibalism?”
Barbarian (OOC): “Baby don’t hurt me.”
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Fighter: look, I’m a slut
Barbarian: he’s a non profit whore-ganization
Druid: an NG-ho
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Context not included
Our ships Captain to an enemy ship pilot… “You know I like it up the ass but at least I can aim better then you.”
One of our other players… “I want off this ship.”