Shit My Players Say
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[The Bard, after the party sees a random finger coming out of a sewer and Death-Touching the goblin they were interrogating then just disappearing]
Bard: LET’S RUN AWAY, I DON’T WANNA DIE BY FINGERING
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Bard:I seduced the dragon, right?
Dragonborn paladin: Right…
Bard: And you killed it after that, right?
Dragonborn paladin: Right?
Bard: And in doing that, you absorbed it’s soul, yes.
Dragonborn paladin: Uh…
Bard: So that means you’re technically the dragon I seduced
Dragonborn paladin:
Dragonborn paladin: wait no-
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Me, attempting to seduce the villain: hey
Villain: I’m gay for men, not you
Me, ooc: my character’s a guy?
Villain: …anyone but you
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“I don’t want the corpse hand on me!”
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sorcerer, about to confront a giant:“I cast-”
dm:“don’t.”
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We’re doing a one shot where all the PCs until recently lived entirely underground.
Wizard: I don’t like this thing called ‘sky’. What if we fall into it and keep falling forever?
Paladin: It’s actually a crystal so you won’t fall forever.
Monk: So if we fall into it at high speeds we’ll just go splat?
Paladin: …Yes
Wizard: I don’t like that any better.
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Ranger: I don’t need this much nature.
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Fighter: I’ll just be me, I guess.
Monk: Please, do ANYTHING but that.
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“Trigger warning for an old man getting railed.”
-The DM warning the party of a nsfw RP reply they’re about to post when the PC son of said man successfully rolled for eavesdropping and swiftly regretted the success.
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“Anything about time, distance, diameter, if it involves numbers, it’s better to just assume”
-the DM