Shit My Players Say

I had my players following bear tracks in the tundra in what was supposed to be a one-shot.

Me: So after a few minutes of following the tracks, you see them suddenly become erratic and going wildly around several of the massive crystals.

*Several players rolling dice later*

Me: You can see that the bear was clearly sprinting frantically about and Gyo{Owlin Ranger}, you can see that there are humanoid-like footprints in the mess.

Gyo, ooc: Yeti!

Me: Nope, these are much smaller than the yeti prints in the last session.

Zadkeil{Frosthorn Druid}, ooc: Werebear!

Me: No. Let me finish please. The humanoid prints appear to be chasing the bear.

The group decided to give chase now scared for the bear and calling said bear, Acrobear.

Me: After a short bit of running, you find a large set of splatters in the snow with the humanoid footprints heading off in increasingly larger strides or jumps before vanishing.

Everyone: What?

Me: You see bloodied bear prints heading the opposite direction.

Zadkeil: Acrobear no!

They followed to the trail to the entrance of a cave to see a very large polar bear dead, covered in deep claw marks. They asked me if they could use healing spells on the bear, only be told it was very dead.

Gyo, ooc: So how long has it been dead?

Zadkeil, ooc: It can’t be very long.

Me: The bear is probably only a couple minutes dead.

Gyo, ooc: So you’re saying whatever killed Acrobear could still be around!?

Me: Maybe, maybe not. That doesn’t matter right now. There’s a cave to explore. You could do that.

Gyo, clearly concerned: I don’t want to!

Me: Get in the cave.

I feel sort of proud scaring the party as a first-time dm.

Context: Our party is helping a a goat, who turned out to be a cursed wizard with True Polymorph Staff to turn him back. After defeating the BBEG (Who is my character’s Ex) and get the staff back, the Cleric and the Fighter tries to turn him back.

They roll low.

The goat exploded.

Anyway… after shenanigans, the party decided to take the Wizard’s home as their own.

Me, the Monk: I want to keep my Ex alive, but he’s an eyewitness to our crime. We can’t leave him as is.

Cleric: Oooh, just turn him into a goat.

Me: That might explode him though?

Cleric, shrug: …eh, then that’s fate.

Me: …alright, but I’m not letting you use the staff after that disaster.

Proceed to roll a 20 Arcana check plus a 4 from a 1D4 Guidance

Fighter 1: Damn… an ex’s scorn is real.

Me: Okay, so we lost a goat to get another goat, now what?

Cleric: Oh! Why don’t we keep him and a female goat as well, so you can have a small group of goats to farm and profit?!

Fighter 2: I have an idea! Why don’t we ge a male goat and Transform your ex goat into the female goat so it’s likelier to get pregnant.

Cleric: That’s a good idea! Monk, I hope you’ll let me have a share of the profit for giving you the idea.

Barbarian, ooc: What the fuck are we doing?

DM: “Okay we’re going to cut to Monk. What have you been up to for the last hour while all of this was going on?”

Husband: “Well, while you were fighting, a bear woke up in Yuriwood.”

Monk: “…uh. A bear?”

Husband: “A 50 foot tall bear. Exploded out of a hill. Apparently the hill was just dirt that settled on top of the bear while it was sleeping. It’s been eating the trees around it since it woke up three days ago.”

Monk: “I have no idea what to say about this.”

Husband: “See, you’re not the only one who can drop insane facts on someone out of nowhere.”

Monk: “Ha! That is the best possible thing! I am delighted.”

DM: “He’s been waiting years four years to be able to do this to you. He spent the last few days terrified you’d already know about this.”

Monk: “50 feet is massive. We need to recruit the bear!”

NPC: “So are you in a devil deal too?”

Sorcerer: “I mean, technically yes, but this is unrelated. ”

Mystic: “This is my way out of a deal, actually.”

NPC: “It’s never the way out.”

Monk: “Nope!”

NPC: “Then why are you here?”

Monk: “Wizard said the world would be better if Lolth died.”

NPC: “What did Wizard offer you for your help?”

Monk: “Nothing.”

NPC: “…he didn’t offer you anything?”

DM: “Roll me deception at disadvantage.”

Monk: “Why? He never offered anything.”

DM: “Do you as a player not remember?”

Monk: “DM, do you not remember that Wizard never told me in character he wanted our help to fight Lolth? The conversation where you told me we were on his ‘dream team’ for killing Lolth happened completely above table. We weren’t recruited. He said the world would be better if Lolth died and my monk started planning accordingly.”

DM: “Did I seriously forget to have him hire you?”

Sorcerer: “Hire? We could get paid for this?”

Monk: “Wizard is my friend. He says kill a spider god, I kill a spider god.”

DM: “…You know what, NPC is scared of Monk now.”

Monk: “Yay!”

[We are going back to our (insanely lucky with his skill checks) Bard’s childhood home in the Unseelie Court, cloaking ourselves in his invisibility spell so as to not get caught]

Me: I would like to roll perception because I don’t want there to be anything in this abandoned cottage.

Bard: I just walk right in and take off an axe from the wall.

DM: … Roll a Wisdom saving throw.

Bard: *rolls*

Bard:

Bard: That’s a four, hang on -

Everyone: 0-0

DM: 😰😰

Bard: So that’s a seven.

DM: Well, as you go to touch it, the memories of being here come back to you, causing you to have a panic attack.

Everyone freaks out in both laughter and concern

Me: Since we’re all invisible, do we just hear a thud and then panting?

Bard: Since I’m having this panic attack, I would drop concentration on the spell and start screaming in Fey.

Rogue in-character: Oh god, uh can you keep it down?

Ranger in disbelief: You just tell someone to quiet down as they’re having a panic attack…

Ranger in-character: Okay, I’m gonna try to get him to calm down.

DM: Let’s do a medicine check?

Ranger: *rolls low* FUCK!

Everyone laughs even more

Me: I go to help!

Ranger: *rolls low* FUCK!

Bard: I don’t think I can give her bardic inspiration.

Rogue: I go to help?

Ranger: *rolls low* GODDAMMIT! *rolls low* FUCK! *rolls low*

Another player gives her their die. She still rolls low

DM also now in disbelief: I did not think this would happen.

Ranger: I rolled a 7, a 1, a 7, a 8…

Another player: You are not getting your doctorate.

We’re currently about to fight a dragon (I don’t remember what one though)and we’re trying to figure out how to not fight it because we’re severely under leveled

Bard towards the dm: can I dad him?

Dm: excuse me?

Bard again: can I dad him?

Dm: I? I don’t know what you mean but sure why not, roll for it

Bard, walks towards the dragon stands in front of it with a disappointed face and starts talking with a disappointed dad voice: I cannot believe you doing this, I thought you were better than this! I’m not mad I’m just disappointed. (He proceeds to shake his head and tsk tsk)

Dm: huh!?! I guess roll for persuasion?!? I don’t know?!

Bard: nat 20

Dm:……sigh so the dragon felt so incredibly bad at your speech because it reminded it of its dad and now doesn’t want to attack you anymore. It mumbles a sorry before walking off in a cave side of the one your currently standing in….. I need to revoke your dad speech privileges

The party kinda lost their shit and the bard managed to stop 3 more fights with dad speech before pissing someone off so much he almost died(he did not stop the dad)

Previously on the Beast Tamers(?) (Our group’s npc granted name)

We’re still in the lodge and, after some antics, (firbolg skeleton bloodhunter Marigold pretending to be a summon and losing face to help the rest of us sneak through door by bonking themselves repeatedly into a doorframe and acting like they couldn’t open a door), we have finally reached the vault!

And immediately had to do a will save!

Players (knowing what’s in store) in unison: Oh noooo….

DM: >:)

Shirina (cute batfolk druid of stars/warlock of the Astral. The Face): passes with flying colours

Marigold (The (Former)Floof): No problem

Zoe (naive/no impulse control snakefolk arcane rogue The Most likely to go Evil): Surpringly okay

Wren (halfling drakewarden The GunsTM): … oh no…

DM: Okay! Everyone one of the pedestals in front of you has what looks like the ugliest hat in the world, it is made of what looks like human, maybe orc, skin, stitched horribly together into a floopy yet stiff mess. Wren…~

Wren, while crying with laughter: I love this haaaat~

Everyone else: Oh no…

Marigold: Wren, there are so many cursed things in this vault you don’t want the hat.

Wren (still crying with laughter ooc): Yes I do, I looove ittt!

Zoe: It’s made of skin!

Wren: Clearly dragonscales! It’ll look so good on me for the ball!

Marigold: I quickly pick up the hat-

DM: Roll another will save~

Marigold: Passed. Then I hold it well over Wren’s reach, “Wren you don’t want this hat, it is cursed and will never look good!”

Wren (finally composed herself and getting into character): “You just want it for yourself!”

DM: Wren, Marigold is holding your precious hat out of your reach, and you really want it. What do you do?

Wren: Can I… attack?

DM: Go for it! >:D

Everyone else: Oh no…

Wren: Right, okay… can I use fist or what..?

DM: It’s up to you! Marigold, who *beat you senseless* when you were possessed is holding the one thing that is just about as precious as your Izul~

Zoe: I’m going to try to grab her!

DM: Roll for grapple, that’s a strength check.

Zoe: And I’m going against our strongest character… nope! That’s a 3.

DM: Zoe, you try to grab her, but Wren slams an elbow sharp into your gut, take 3 points of damage.

Wren: Right… I’m going to pull out my double crossbow and have Izul infuse the bolts. Uhh… does a 19 and unnatural 20 hit?

Marigold: …. yes

Wren: Alright! And that’s.. 20 damage all together! Iseul is very glad to finally hurt Marigold after everything they did to Wren before.

Marigold: You shoot Marigold, and there is a sickening crack, and they say in a pained voice, “Ow… that’s.. going to leave a mark..”

Wren: “Good, now give me my hat!”

Shirina and Zoe confer in the background, then Shirina tries to talk to her (unable to persuade due to curse): Sad bat sounds and face! “Wren that hat is cursed, you don’t want it!”

Wren fails another will save: “Yes I do! Give me the hat!”

Zoe: Oh! I have Suggestion! “Wren! You do not want the hat! You are hurting your friends!”

Wren fails her will save to Zoe: Oh, thank god. Wren blinks and shakes her head looking confused, “Whoa, what happened..?”

DM: You have 8 hours for suggestion to keep working, she is still cursed.

Wren: Wren looks at the hat in Marigold’s hand and makes a face, “Ugh.. that is an ugly hat…”

Marigold: Marigold grunts trying to keep a straight face, “You tried to wear it.”

Wren gasping: “I did not!”

Marigold: Marigold pulls the crossbow bolts out of their bones, passing them to Wren with a grunt, “We’re even. How am I supposed to sneak by the bad guys now? I have holes in my shirt! Also.. is my arm supposed to be so wiggly… oh no, no, it’s not. Ow.”

Wren: Wren blinks at the bolts, recognising them, then Iseul hisses at Marigold. “What do you mean even?”

Marigold: Marigold hisses right back. “You just shot me.”

Wren: Izul yelps and goes and hides in his baby bjorn, Wren gasps in outrage “How could you?! And you BEAT me I still can’t see out of one eye! I have permanent tissue damage and a shiner the size of your fist!”

Marigold: “It was just a mild concussion.”

Wren: “A mild concussion!?”

Shirina: I’m going to start healing Marigold while they argue.

DM: Shirina busies herself healing Marigold as Zoe notices a shiny footlong key that looks like writhing with flames, and hears a hissing voice in her head. “Take the key, it will be needed~”

Zoe: Okay… I’m going to use stelath/slight of hand to grab it.

DM: Everyone else roll insight.

Everyone else: Fails.

DM: Alright! Marigold and Wren are too busy arguing, and Shirina too busy patching Marigold up, as Zoe picks up the key. It writhes and shifts forks in her hand, taking the shape of a dagger, a whip, a sword, before finally turning into a bracelet on Zoe’s wrist. As it does so there is a huge gout of flame at the pedestal it once rested.

Zoe as everyone turns to look at her: Zoe pretends to look about in confusion, pulling down her cuff to hide the bracelet. “What was that?”

DM: Now then… there is a red ledger on a pedestal in the middle of the room, showing a list of everything within the vault, both cursed and harmless. You read various items: a star sapphire of power, elven chain mail, a pendent of disguise self, a blink ring, a necrodraconomicon…~

Wren: “Oohhh~!”

Everyone else: No!!!

Wren, pouting both ic and ooc: Wren can’t have the necrodraconmicon, Wren can’t have the cursed hat, this dungeon has not been a good trip for Wren.

[Players having to run away after stealing from and knocking unconscious a Gollum-like cave dweller who lives in the middle of nowhere on the top of a snowy mountain.]

Player 1: Let’s use the table we found in there as a sled. We can flip it upside down and try to ride it down the mountain.

DM (who clearly doesn’t want us to bypass everything he had planned for this session): You try, but it’s not slippery enough. You go about a foot and slide to a stop.

Player 2: Didn’t cave dude have some fish in there from the lake? Let’s fish oil the bottom of the table sled and see if that helps.

DM (very clearly internally facepalming): ok…roll an athletics check then. Let’s see how far you get with the fish sled.

Players: [roll 20+ on every single one of the checks he throws at us and sled to the bottom of the treacherous mountain completely unscathed.]

DM: ………………..

Players: [Have continued to gleefully bring up “The Fish Sled Situation” every time someone comes up with something so dumb it actually works, much to our DM’s chagrin.]

Ranger: I cast fireball. 

DM: You’re a ranger you can’t. Also this would incinerate the entire party. 

Ranger: Right. Shit. 

Barbarian: Gonna have to multiclass. 

~~~~Sessions later~~~~

Ranger: I wanna buy a necklace.

DM: Ok?

Ranger: A magic necklace. Specifically of fireball. 

DM: Alright. 

Barbarian: *Sweating* I’ll buy a bunch of beads of force.

~~~~Sessions later~~~~

Ranger: I’m casting fireball!

DM: You’re in a tiny tunnel that might cave in. Also you’re a ranger.

Ranger: I have the necklace. 

Barbarian: Before that. Uh DM we establish I can carry a bunch of people right? 

DM: Yeah, you got a 20 strength and are a half-giant.

Barbarian: Great. Can I scoop the cleric, the druid, and rogue and drop a bead of force?

DM: … I mean one is 12, the other is a small owlin and druid is a cat right now so yeah? uh roll that damage.

Barbarian: I’m failing on purpose, and holding on to them for dear life. 

As one can imagine, ranger did set off fireball, we were stuck in the bead of force and ranger got a tunnel collapsed on her. Thankfully, she survived her death saves. 

Our wild magic barbarian is played by a very low-energy chill person. Which makes their chaos even more chaotic.

The Dm: and at the bottom of the quest it reads ‘to accept the quest, write yes on the back and burn it’

Cleric npc, helpfully: I have a pen- but unfortunately not the thing you dip it into-

The barbarian, who’s been very quiet: I use the utensil from the butter, put some butter on my finger- and smear the word “yes” onto the back before throwing it in the nearest fire

Sorcerer (me), and Warlock: :0

The DM, losing their marbles: I— you- … The way he summons himself is by using the fresh ink on the paper buT THERE IS NO FRESH INK THERE’S JUST FRESH BUTTER SO HE’S USING BUTTER, I GUESS?!

Warlock, ooc: We’ve summoned your cool NPC with butter! What are you going to do now, DM!

When the hilarity had died down and the dm finished explaining how the butter browned and mixed with the ashes of the fireplace to make the required sigils and the npc appeared- we got another golden interaction

NPC, slowly looking to the barbarian, distraught: Why are you like this?

Barbarian: Look, bud. I have problem solving skills! And they involve butter!

The party might just end up with a butter related name at this point.