Shit My Players Say

My players had decided to camp for the night, and one of them decided to nap while everyone else set up for camp.

Me: Hey did you make sure your tent was closed

Player: Uh… No, I just went to bed

Me: Can you roll for me

Player: Oh no. Oh my god please be a good number.

Player: It’s a six

Me: You wake up to a bird in your tent eating your food

The entire table burst into laughter and now they’re trying to adopt the bird

Context - Druid has a vine familiar named Spaghetti and we were kidnapped for 3 months by a witch who stole a bunch of our stuff and nearly killed us before we could escape.

Druid (OOC): DM, where the fuck is Spaghetti? If you took my boy I'ma be pissed.

DM: How should I know ^_^

Druid (OOC): So help me I will jump on a plane and take your kneecaps you smug motherfucker.

DM: He’s fine, he’s still wrapped around your arm.

Druid (OOC): … you may keep your kneecaps.

DM: “Okay we’re going to cut to Monk. What have you been up to for the last hour while all of this was going on?”

Husband: “Well, while you were fighting, a bear woke up in Yuriwood.”

Monk: “…uh. A bear?”

Husband: “A 50 foot tall bear. Exploded out of a hill. Apparently the hill was just dirt that settled on top of the bear while it was sleeping. It’s been eating the trees around it since it woke up three days ago.”

Monk: “I have no idea what to say about this.”

Husband: “See, you’re not the only one who can drop insane facts on someone out of nowhere.”

Monk: “Ha! That is the best possible thing! I am delighted.”

DM: “He’s been waiting years four years to be able to do this to you. He spent the last few days terrified you’d already know about this.”

Monk: “50 feet is massive. We need to recruit the bear!”

[Fighting a Roper and losing badly.]

Halfling Rogue: “I’d like to use the last ball in my bag of tricks, please.”

DM: “Alright, roll a d8, let’s see what you get.”

Halfling Rogue: [rolls a 6] “…Oh no…it’s a weasel again, isn’t it.”

DM: [trying not to laugh because that’s the 3rd time they’ve rolled for weasel] “…yep…”

Halfling Rogue: “ Alright let’s do this. WTF = Weasel Time, Fuckers.”

[Throws the weasel into the fray and it goes on to do more damage to the Roper than the rest of the party combined.]

Human Monk: “He’s the MVW - Most Valuable Weasel.”

the Rogue: And this is the forest where we left our giant-fuck-off spider, Moose. Short for Venomoose.

the Ranger: Everythings burnt.

the Rogue: Oh yeah, she had a TON of babies. 

the Ranger: Is it an introduced species?

the Rogue: Well. I didn’t make her say hi to the trees.

Wizard: What do I roll to adopt Demogorgon?

Rogue: 100

DM: Roll 1d100. If you roll 100, you can adopt Demogorgon.

Wizard: (rolls a 100)

Rogue: (screams)

DM: Congratulations! You have a new pet spider. Its name is Demogorgon.

DM: “A tiny, six-legged kitten emerges from the lake, clearly an infant form of the monster you defeated a couple of months ago.”

Barbarian: “Awww! I pick it up.”

DM: “It makes that confused ‘I just got picked up’ face that kittens often do.”

Fighter, who killed the original monster: “Hey, keep that thing away from me.”

Barbarian: “What, you don’t like kittens? Or are you worried because it’s–”

Fighter: “No, the problem is, it’s adorable, and if it falls asleep on my chest, I won’t want to move. We don’t have time for me to go into pamper-kitty mode.”

The party is in the catacombs and just avoided a booby trap. The warrior caught the culprit, a tiny goblin, by the throat.

Mage: So what do we do with it?

Templar: Kill it!

Warrior: Yeah, it wanted to burn us, let’s burn it in turn!

Mage, OOC: What does it look like?

GM (me): Like baby Yoda

The party: …

Warrior: Heeeeeh let’s keep it, it might be useful

A few moments later, the party is attacked by skeletons. The goblin squeaks in fear and clings to the Templar’s neck.

Templar: I changed my mind, she’s my baby now.

Mage: You wanted to kill it five minutes ago!

Templar: Her name is Yolanda.

“We must find HUBLIT!”

Our half-elf bard, talking about his unintentional goblin fiancee.

-Druid