Shit My Players Say

My character, Zephyr, isn’t actually the human they appear to be, and they hadn’t told their friends yet. (They got trapped in human form & can’t go back on their own.) When Zeph followed their friends into a bad guy’s lair, the effects of the lair returned them to their proper form (temporarily).

Zephyr: *turns into an adult copper dragon and pins the bad guy*

Huif, the high elf bard: and you took the SMALLEST ROOM??

After the bad guy was properly detained, Zephyr finally responded with, “That’s just where I sleep. As far as I’m concerned, the whole house is my lair.”

Tabaxi Ranger: Do dragon scrotums have stars on them? Dragon… balls?

Very pious Warforged Cleric: They will when we’re done with them

*cue Dragon Ball Z theme music*

We ran into a dragons lair:

Dragon: “Do you even know who I am?”

My artificer: “You’re my soon-to-be pants!”

-Indeed manages to suplex the dragon

(For context my players went down a hole I had just meant to be a bottomless pit but wanting to reward their efforts of doing stupid things. I put a bunch of bodies from the arc villain’s killings down there. And a dragon who was pretty bummed out his home was such a mess. For further context. The smart members of the party were absent that session.)

The dragon: I just can’t keep up with it at this point! My place is such a mess! It’s a disaster!

The bard: Hmmm… okay. How about we spruce the place up? I’ve got a bunch of glass! I’ll try to make a disco ball!

The monk: Oh! And I’ll make cufflinks and a bowtie for him!

The fighter: And I’ll find some clay and make a statue of a llama!

Me (The DM): I- are you guy Queer Eye-ing this dragon?

Collectively; a pause then: YES.

Context: We are at a masquerade party and an ancient white dragon just burst through the wall

DM: when you reach the top of the tower, you find the book you’re looking for—

Me, the speedster rogue: oh neat! I wanna—

DM: but there’s a giant dragon skeleton wrapped around it.

Party: don’t do it

Me: I’m gonna take the book and immediately run out of the tower

Party: 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

DM: as soon as you take the book, the dragon skeleton starts moving. By the time you’re at the front gates, it’s already perched on the edge.

Me: IM RUNNING HOME

DM: are you—? Okay, sure. You can outpace the dragon by a good amount, but by the time you get back to the farm, you can see a gargantuan ominous shadow in the distance.

Our resident crafter chef: HOW DID YOU NOT THINK IT WOULD FOLLOW YOU HOME YOU MORON and you left the other two at the monastery!! And the book is cursed! What the fuck Ren!

The shifter and necromancer, whom I’ve left at the monastery: … where did our ride go

DM: You find the dragon lying still in its lair

My artificer: I SKIN THE DRAGON

Dm: He’s asleep not dead

Me: I. SKIN. THE. DRAGON!

Party: NOOOOOOOO!

lot of water rushing down

silver dragonborns looking at each other

silv monk: double. breath. weapon.

Context is that, in a pirate campain, the party just fought some fairies and left an NPC (who they don’t know is a dragon in disguise) to clean up the mess.

Fighter: Thanks for getting rid of the bodies for us.

NPC: No problem.

Gunslinger: Yeah, that was really fast. Where’d you put them anyways?

NPC, who totally ate them: Nowhere.

Cleric: Hang on, one of them was still alive.

NPC: …

Cleric: [NPC], I had given you specific orders to NOT KILL HIM!

NPC: … Whoops. Anyways, back to plundering.