Shit My Players Say

Sorcerer: …Dirty one

DM: Dirty one? On what?

Sorcerer: Insight.

DM: You can trust this guy

Sorcerer, in character: I trust him :)

My players had decided to camp for the night, and one of them decided to nap while everyone else set up for camp.

Me: Hey did you make sure your tent was closed

Player: Uh… No, I just went to bed

Me: Can you roll for me

Player: Oh no. Oh my god please be a good number.

Player: It’s a six

Me: You wake up to a bird in your tent eating your food

The entire table burst into laughter and now they’re trying to adopt the bird

[We are going back to our (insanely lucky with his skill checks) Bard’s childhood home in the Unseelie Court, cloaking ourselves in his invisibility spell so as to not get caught]

Me: I would like to roll perception because I don’t want there to be anything in this abandoned cottage.

Bard: I just walk right in and take off an axe from the wall.

DM: … Roll a Wisdom saving throw.

Bard: *rolls*

Bard:

Bard: That’s a four, hang on -

Everyone: 0-0

DM: 😰😰

Bard: So that’s a seven.

DM: Well, as you go to touch it, the memories of being here come back to you, causing you to have a panic attack.

Everyone freaks out in both laughter and concern

Me: Since we’re all invisible, do we just hear a thud and then panting?

Bard: Since I’m having this panic attack, I would drop concentration on the spell and start screaming in Fey.

Rogue in-character: Oh god, uh can you keep it down?

Ranger in disbelief: You just tell someone to quiet down as they’re having a panic attack…

Ranger in-character: Okay, I’m gonna try to get him to calm down.

DM: Let’s do a medicine check?

Ranger: *rolls low* FUCK!

Everyone laughs even more

Me: I go to help!

Ranger: *rolls low* FUCK!

Bard: I don’t think I can give her bardic inspiration.

Rogue: I go to help?

Ranger: *rolls low* GODDAMMIT! *rolls low* FUCK! *rolls low*

Another player gives her their die. She still rolls low

DM also now in disbelief: I did not think this would happen.

Ranger: I rolled a 7, a 1, a 7, a 8…

Another player: You are not getting your doctorate.

Me: I just had a really bad idea, so let me make a wisdom check real quick to see if my character’s dumb enough to actually *try* it

Me: [7]

DM: make a Meat check.

Barbarian: Nat 1.

DM: Meat.

Fighter: Can I piss in handcuffs? 

Me, the DM, exasperatedly: Roll dexterity. 

Fighter: Natural One. 

Me: You cannot piss in handcuffs.

Context: Druid (me) and Paladin are dead asleep while Barbarian and Ranger are keeping watch when they get ambushed by a sentient wolf-like monster. It wasn’t a serious threat and everyone was fine at the end, but at a moment when things were getting particularly rough:

Ranger: I’m just gonna start screaming and hope it wakes Druid and Paladin up.

DM: (to me and Paladin) Both of you make Perception checks to see if you wake up.

(We both fail badly)

DM: Paladin is snoring so loudly neither of you can hear the screams.

DM: now that you’ve broken into the priests room what do you want to do

Warlock: I’m going to look for incriminating documents or like embezzlement or shit (rolls a 1)

DM: you find nothing please roll wildmagic 

(priest sleeping in bed turns invisible)

Warlock: well then I’m taking the potted plant

Player 1: Hey do you got some dice I can borrow? Left mine at home. 

Player 2: But of course! Which set– wait not that set it’s cursed–

Player 1: *Rolls nat 20* *Rolls another nat 20* 

DM: Correction. You’re cursed. 

Player 2: Apparently. Bless the rest of my dice will yah? 

“Goddamn it, [NPC] has three times the hit points and does twice the damage as any of you. HOW is he this useless?!”

-the DM (they had been rolling only misses and fails for this NPC for three sessions)