Shit My Players Say

my friends and i are brand new to D&D, and we haven’t started our game yet, but we’ve already got quite a lot of running jokes so far and i’d love to share this one.

One of two bards in our party is a folkhero runt Kobold, as a runt they are abnormally small and it’s brought about some funky pre-campaign shenanegans:

—-

Rouge: “holyshit they’re so tiny! i could throw them!”

Bard-bold: “no-”

DM: “it’s actually possible to throw your party members”

Bard-bold: “no!”

Rouge: “PROJECTILE!!”

—-

Bard-bold: “okay so turns out my character can drive-”

Barbarian: “drive?????”

Rouge: “bro he rides in one of those toddler cars they move with their feet like a flintstones car”

Bard-bold: “p l e a s e”

—-

Paladan: “you shall travel in my scarf”

Bard-bold: “fuck yeah!”

—-

Rouge: “honestly the only reason [rouge pc name] bullies [bard-bold pc name] is cause they’re the only party member shorter than him”

DM: “isn’t the third shortest like- almost 6ft tall??”

Barbarian: “yeah! [other bard pc name] is 6ft even”

Bard-bold: “jesus i’m tiny”

—-

Bard-bold: “I WANT A HUMAN SIZED LONG SWORD!”

DM: “ITS THREE TIMES YOUR CHARACTER’S HEIGHT!!”

Bard-bold: “YOUR POINT??”