Shit My Players Say

I once had a DM who used to hate giving us any kind of wealth, or loot, or even letting us level because he was afraid of us getting “too powerful”. Literally, every mob we killed or reward we earned was enough for food and board for a night. He absolutely despised my conjuration wizards charm spell and ability to make objects with his Minor Conjuration talent. What’s more if he didn’t like where we were going this deux ex machina mist would appear and paralyze us all without a save. One time I attempted to use Dispel Magic on it, but i was told it had no effect.

One time he forgot to plan any encounters for our game, so the whole session was set in this luxury hot spring we couldn’t escape from for some reason. During my bath i had an idea and openly spoke to another player about robbing the spa, as it’s full of wealthy people. Obviously our DM heard this and started scribbling stuff down. I used my Minor Conjuration to make a beautiful sapphire necklace, put it on, and went to the front desk to ask where i could store valuables. The DM looks up from his notes, smiles, and asks me to follow him.

For the next 10 minutes he goes through the 15 step security scheme including; voice recognition, finger prints, retinal scan, blood offering, and several other tests and examination. Finally we get in the vault where he shows me a locker to put my necklace in. He seals it with a drop of blood and on the way out I inquire about the strength of the security, which he happily responds “It’s practically unbreakable.”

I waddle back to my other PC, get back in the hot springs, smile and tell them we’re about to make some money. The players looks at me with a confused expression and is like “how are we going to break in with all that security dude?” I replied “We won’t. We just go back in an hour when my necklace has disappeared and ask for compensation for my missing jewelry.”

I’ve never seen a DM’s expression change so fast.